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Corporate Bullshit

Durante anos e anos, a maioria das empresas que abria uma página na Internet começava logo com o seu “mission statement”, e a moda pegou, Na maioria dos casos, o possível cliente acabava por não ter a mínima ideia o que a empresa fazia. Décadas depois, tudo continua na mesma, ou pior.

Veja assim alguns exemplos de business speak (leia-se bullshit):

Citigroup divulgou os seus resultados trimestrais e no meio de toda a informação, esta frase sobressai:

“The ongoing challenging macro environment negatively affected investor sentiment, leading to lower results in fixed-income markets, equities and investment banking during the quarter.”

Tradução: Todo o dinheiro que perdemos não foi da nossa culpa.

A Nokia não quis ficar para trás ao decidir despedir 17,000 comunicando esta difícil tarefa explicando que estariam a “managing them for value”. Ou seja, o novo termo para “laying them off” é em Nokia Speak “managing them for value”. Afinal até nem é nada mau, pelo contrario.

A empresa Manpower Group utiliza uma forma bastante interessante de descrever o que fazem:

“Our $22 billion company creates unique time to value through a comprehensive suite of innovative solutions that help clients win in the human age.

Human age? Mas alguma vez estivemos noutra era se não a era humana? Provavelmente trata-se de uma empresa pré-histórica.

De certa forma, os profissionais sofrem do mesmo que os adolescentes, menos a desculpa para o fazerem. Enquanto os adolescentes utilizam constantemente termos como “tipo isto, tipo aquilo”, os profissionais adoram os termos “soluções integradas” – na realidade é contagioso e só demonstra que eles todos falam para si próprios ignorando por total o consumidor que necessita muitas vezes de um tradutor. Isso se se derem ao trabalho.

Nesta era humana, o que acontece é que ninguém quer ser responsabilizado desde o CEO ao empregado de balcão e assim acabam por dizer nada enquanto dizem algo – zero compromisso.

Fica aqui um novo template para o seu próximo press release:

Bullshit1

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif (BAnewswire, Tue Feb 14 2012 12:04:57 GMT+0000 (WET)): Customer focus gets your input on the tangents. In order to assure that extensible resolutions ramp up progress on challenges, we must be certain that closure blows them away with the world-class big picture. Culture changes ensure a productized context. Communication leverages benefits, however design-driven major players raise a flag over a workgroup. Truly we must. Customers need customers, and we fulfill that need with a value-added leadership position.

Bullshit

We feel that the executive advisory board will enable a partnership. We want to be nothing if not competitive. A take-home lesson is that a team player leads to customer bases. Critical paths ramp up progress on a revolutionary guiding principle. We must put a sweet spot in place so that paradigm shifts bite the proverbial bullet. Design-led hits are a task-driven critical path. A team player is going to blow them away, so customer staffing is not going to fiscally ride the wave of resolution. Feedback effortlessly gives rise to objectives. In order to obtain constraints, we took a close look at the teamwork-oriented scenarios to understand what they mean. We are all impressed to see that the legacy executive advisory boards sign off on quality-assured environments. Skill sets follow through on the issue of ubiquitous big wins. It used to be true that a corporation can not impact the synergistic 90% solutions, however thanks to detailed marketing studies we have found that win-win human resource allocation gets up to speed on a solutions-oriented guesstimate. The strategies are not going to get up to speed on an enabling environment. Surely, we can conclude that revenues indicate that a mission statement empowers state-of-the-art human resource allocations.

Revenues touch base on zero-defect-generation contexts. Having fiscal red flags that are mind-blowing, it follows that excellence encapsulates venture capital. We’re on schedule for the leading-edge guiding principles. Surely, we can conclude that an extensible leadership position indicates that empowerment is core competencies. A major stretch goal for this fiscal quarter is a reality check. Ownership of vertical markets agrees to disagree on deliverables. Experienced business people all know that the objective establishes an action item for quality-oriented corporations. Corporate synergies empower time frames, so proactive committees enhance a revolutionary relationship.

An established key player

Clearly we need to take the issue of the team-oriented horizontal markets offline. Thanks to the recent reorganization, a schedule will succeed. We will efficiently take the lead in customer partnerships, only to speed ahead of the pack in the compliant field of corporate titans. Total quality management (TQM) has an enterprise gating factor, notwithstanding that signage can enhance focus. An enabling challenge continues to realize the benefits of each of you, so lightweight opportunities blow them away. Leading indicators would seem to suggest that the get-it-done attitudes have dialogues. Dealer channels are the skill set. A team engenders benefit. I think that a proactive one-on-one enhances the best paper trail. The progress helps us in the concepting of strategic missions. The bleeding-edge price point probably utilizes a hit, and a paradigm shift will not enable operating capital. First-class product lines improve the performance of a committee. Let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that execution does the right thing about mission statements. Having first verified that cutting-edge gating factors table an action item for ongoing support for increased productivity, a careful examination of a horizontal market reveals that emerging scenarios become most sophisticated growth years. Why do you think a best-of-class alliance improves the performance of the relationships? Because impactful red flags can get your input on a new-generation red flag. We have been looking into the product line. Soup-to-nuts workgroups sign up for geographies. As a leading analyst indicated in a recent report about best-of-breed solutions, “a scenario takes ownership of a major player.” Testing “all of you swiftly make it happen.” We will bravely take over the mind-blowing market for a team culture change. Our vice president has even said that “the lightweight guesstimates eventually utilize revolutionary price points.” Mobile alliances (of course) help us in the concepting of the fiscal writeoffs, which leads us to believe that a teamwork-oriented transition phase touches base on dialogue. The customer passes the baton concerning world-class strategy.

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